Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Twinkle Twinkle Shining Star: How Republicans will gain Latino voters

RNC Chair Priebus
According to John Boehner, Republicans have made great progress at their RNC Summer meeting in finding ways to convince Latino-American voters to think Republican.  The details of that particular session was not open to the public, but I was able to glean the following tidbits of information from an insider.

Reince Priebus opened the discussion, complementing the members for representing the best of America and introduced the idea of finding converts to Republicanism in those less fortunate souls from the immigrant and other minorities.  He acknowledged that Republican values are sound and it was more a matter of convincing minority voters of that, than trying to change the Republican party platform.

With that, Republicans began collecting ideas from the audience. 

Iowa Republican Steve King was the first to offer a suggestion.  "We could show them drug mules with the melon calves how to start a small
Steve King
business for their illegal activities and then we could give 'em government subsidies to not bring drugs across the border."

The crowd cheered.  "Yes, yes."  "That's the ticket."  "Republican policies can make job creators out of the little bastards."

Just weeks earlier all Republicans in the House voted for Steve King's amendment to deport all immigrant young people that were brought to America by their "illegal" parents. 

Representative Don Young of Arkansas was quick with the next idea.  "My Daddy used to hire 30 to 50 wetbacks to pick "ta-ma-tas"
Don Young
on his farm every season and none of them had health insurance.  Maybe we can tell 'em if they vote Republican, they can get health insurance.", he said. 

A unanimous roar of "Nooooo!" and "Boooo!" rose up from the crowd.  Obviously a bad idea since Republicans are not only against the Affordable Care Act, they are also against any government  program that would benefit non-Republican voters.

Herman Caine shouted out that Republicans should promise to 
Herman Caine
electrify the fence along the border unless Latino-Americans vote Republican.  Although many Republicans took this suggestion seriously, what finally developed was that Republicans would promise to post a double fence along the Mexican border and not grant amnesty or any path to citizenship to illegals unless they voted Republican.

In the past, Republicans have attempted to reduce minority voting participation by increasing voting requirements and placing new obstructions to voting access that more greatly restrict non-Republican voting minorities.  This was one Republican attempt at "stacking the deck" against Democrats in elections.  Now Republicans are changing the strategy so that Latino-American voters don't feel as ostracized by voter suppression.  Their new approach is to pass legislation that would prevent the Spanish language from being spoken at the voting precincts in Republican controlled states.

On the contrary, Reince Priebus suggested that Republicans hire Spanish speaking translators so that they can translate the Republican platform for the benefit of Latino-American voters.  Rand Paul, the one scientific Republican in the crowd, suggested that if this was done then an amendment should be added to the immigration bill that requires a labotomy for all illegals.  His thought was that this might be more conducive to convincing someone that Republican policies are good for them.

The RNC coined the phrase "Shining Star" to identify anyone who is of Latino-American descent and also a member of the Republican party.   As it turns out,  if you are a "Shining Star" Latino of the Republican party, then you are most likely someone whose family has yet to be insulted by a Republican leader. 

Hang in there "Shining Star", whoever you are.  We'll catch you on the flip side.

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